By Gidon Ben-Zvi (writing as ‘Cliff Magnum‘)

FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine.

“The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed attorney, Thomas Wanks.

According to the Al-Pharteen report, “Boudi was apprehended while munching on a Southern Style Crispy Chicken sandwich and slurping down a Hi-C Orange Lavaburst. He was waiting to meet a Nusra commander for final instructions before launching a suicide attack on Los Angeles’ International Airport.

“Poppycock. My client has the mental capacity of a five-year-old. Blow up LAX? Awan Boudi isn’t even toilet trained. Besides, have you ever seen a pudgy, balding, 40-something suicide bomber? No way. You’re more likely to be rear-ended on the 405 freeway by a 1955 Pink Cadillac driven by Elvis,” Wanks said.

The Al-Pharteen report said Boudi was last seen in Jezzine earlier this month running stark naked with a kite through the Monastery of Saint Peter and Paul. When Lebanese authorities asked him if the stunt was politically motivated, Boudi answered: “When I grow up, I want to be martyr or a caterpillar.”