American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed

Louisiville Slugger



By Gidon Ben-Zvi (writing as ‘Cliff Magnum‘ for The Israeli Daily)

The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled.

“We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the normalization of relations with Iran,” Wilson Sporting Goods Company CEO Ty Ruth said on Friday.

Evidently, the company is unaware of how the Iranian government actually intends to use the legendary Louisville Slugger.

RELATED: Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

“We will use the bats to bash in the heads of Sunnis, Christians, homosexuals and other defilers of the true faith,” Iran’s Minister of Homeland Security Farshid Farrokhzad stated recently.

“We see this as the first step in a long, productive relationship between us and the Islamic Republic. Did you know that that Iranian government officials are crazy about golf? They want to purchase every type of club we have. Irons, drivers, wedges, putters: you name it,” CEO Ruth added.

“Our internal security forces will use the golf clubs to crush the testicles of our Revolution’s enemies. You know, I’m continually amazed by what we manage to get away with. With foes like the Americans, who needs friends?” Minister Farrokhzad noted.


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