Surprise! Assad Cruises to Electoral College Victory

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Following the fall of Aleppo last week, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called a snap election in an attempt to capitalize on his regime’s momentum and consolidate power.

“Even in Syria, where genocide is the number two cause of death after heart disease, the millennials get off on the idea of voting. And since most of the country has emptied out, we needed to reach out to anyone who’s left, mostly pimply-faced overachievers who would still be living with mom and dad, if their homes hadn’t been turned into rubble,” noted Minister of Education Mahmoud Rogers.

According to Rogers, the Syrian government wanted to institute a voting system quickly, before Vladimir Putin had time to replace Assad with someone less high maintenance, so it borrowed the Electoral College from the United States.

“The Electoral College is perfect for Syria: it’s chaotic, confusing and keeps the will of the people at a safe distance,” Minister Rogers asserted.

Since virtually no one left in Syria actually knew about the surprise vote, turnout was a relatively low 5%. With 90% of the vote counted, Fox News and CNN have both called Syria for incumbent president, blood thirsty tyrant and Blake Shelton fan Bashar al-Assad.

“With the popular vote wrapped up, the electors, all of whom happen to be related to Mr. Assad, will convene in Damascus to make this travesty official in about an hour,” Rogers concluded.

 

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