Israel Announces August BDS Ambition Tour (one true satire)

In response to the furor unleashed by the Israeli government’s decision to block entry to two U.S. congresswomen, a hastily produced tour of the Jewish state has been announced.

The seven-city musical extravaganza will provide a platform for Representatives Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar to exercise their democratic right to call for the destruction of Israel. To promote greater dialogue, the congresswomen will be sharing the stage with some of the BDS movement’s most famous fails.

Madonna: Madame X Tour
Madonna: Madame X Tour

In a statement, the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) said: “Everybody just needs to chillax, son. It’s August and it’s about to get hotter than a match head. Israelis want nothing more than to forget about the humidity, roving bands of teenagers on summer break and those irritating coworkers who keep sharing images of their luxury vacations in Greece with everyone who’s stuck back in the office. We have a solution. We’re pleased to announce the 2019 BDS Ambition Tour. Top entertainers from around the world will battle, in the name of peace, harmony and understanding, with United States Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar and their merry band of Jew-haters.”

While not every show has been confirmed, Israel’s top musical venues are expected to host a hip-hop master, an ageless American rock band and two bonafide pop icons. On the flip side, some of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement’s brightest lights will be sharing their dreams for a more tolerant, free, just and Jewish-free Middle East.

On August 24, acclaimed British thespian and BDS BFF Emma Thompson will grace Tel Aviv’s Park HaYarkon draped in a Palestinian flag. Alone on a blackened stage, she’ll recite a bit of Shakespeare and a bit of Edward Said. Dame Thompson will be followed by rock band Bon Jovi. The guys from New Jersey have an enduring love affair with Israel. Their set will include such classics as “Livin’ On a Prayer,” “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and “Have a Nice Day.” They’ll close the evening with a new song, composed especially for the occasion: “You Give Justice a Bad Name.”

On August 25, Harvard professor Cornel West will co-headline at the Caesarea Amphitheater with the one and only Sir Elton John. West will give a speech, titled “Peace Through Economic Strangulation” that calls on American institutions of higher learning to promote peace by boycotting Israel out of existence. Meanwhile, the rocket man – Elton John, not North Korean leader Kim Jong Un – is expected to dedicate “I’m Still Standing” to Israel and hypnotize the crowd while dressed in a suit covered in $20 bills (‘benjamins’).

Fans of Representative Ilhan Omar will be delighted to hear that she’ll be duetting with English rock musician, singer-songwriter and BDS Hall of Famer Roger Waters on August 28. The two leading social justice warriors will gently harmonize on choice selections from Waters’ The Wall album. Joining them at Live Park in Rishon LeZion will be pop superstar Madonna. The Material Girl will be landing in Israel a bit early so she can pop into Jerusalem’s Western Wall to pray for the safety of Israel and success of her upcoming Madame X tour.

The other four shows are still being ironed out. The lack of certainty has led to wild rumors, everything from a dance-off between Representative Rashida Tlaib and Jennifer Lopez at Tel Aviv’s Barby Club to an on-stage battle rap between hip-hop legend Grandmaster Flash and BDS bestie American actor John Cusack at Jerusalem’s Yellow Submarine concert venue.

The Prime Minister’s Office released a second statement later in the day: “Our top diplomats are in the middle of high-level negotiations with Bob Dylan, Axl Rose, Neil Sedaka and a couple of other marquee entertainers. As soon as we know something, we’ll let you know. Let’s get real for a second: reality bites. There’s nothing like a song, dance or medieval blood libel to take people away from the daily grind. The Israeli government would like to take this opportunity to wish all its guests a pleasant visit. Until we meet again, friends, foes and the woefully confused, ciao bella!”

In other news, the Palestinian Authority, located a stone’s throw away from the concert venues, banned members of the Palestinian Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) community from carrying out any activities in the West Bank. Representatives Omar and Tlaib quickly issued a bluntly worded response to this clear human rights violation: “……”

 

This piece was originally published on August 22, 2019 in J-Wire.

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